Decrypt v1

Disclaimer: Before you move ahead with this blog, please listen to "Barbaad" by Jubin Nautiyal from Saiyaara. I've attached the link.

I'd really want you to listen to it first.

Everything you're about to read was written around this song. It'll make a lot more sense once you've heard it. Come back here after that.

Alright! I am assuming you heard the song.

I am a little terrified of my story telling style

Anyway

..

Here you go!

This is the story of a boy,

A boy who doesn't want to fall in love.

Who knows exactly what falling will cost him.

Who has seen it. Felt it. Decided — not again.

And then.

Her.

He didn't choose it.

It just happened. Very immediately.

Before he could think. Before he could stop it.

Before he even knew what hit him.

So,

He fought.

With himself.

Every single day.

Held himself so tight it hurt.

Told his heart — not this. Not her. Not now.

His heart didn't listen. It never does.

The harder he tried to walk away —the closer she felt.

The more he pulled back —the deeper it got.

It's her.

It's just her.

Sometimes just her presence.

And he can't help himself.

He just cannot help himself.

This is that story.

And this is the song that finally said it out loud.

Tujhse Duur Main Ek Hi Wajah Ke Liye Hoon

I stay away from you for just one reason

Kamzor Ho Jaata Hoon Main

It’ll make me weak

Tujhse Duur Main Ek Hi Wajah Ke Liye Hoon

I stay away from you for only one reason

Aawaara Bann Jaata Hoon Main

And I’ll become a wanderer

Tujhe Chhoo Loon Toh Kuch Mujhe Ho Jaayega

If I touch you, something might just happen to me

Jo Main Chahta Na Ho Mujhko

I don’t want “that” to happen

Tujhe Mil Ke Yeh Dil Mera Beh Jaayega

I meet you and my heart lets go off control

Issi Baat Ka Darr Hai Mujhko

For this matter, I am scared

Ke Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar Tumse Mujhe

What if I fall in love with you

Kar Dega Barbaad Ishq Mujhe

And that love, that love will destroy me

Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar Tumse Mujhe

What if I fall in such a “love”

Behadd Beshumaar Tumse

That has no boundaries no ends towards you.

Tumse…

Teri Nazdeekiyon Mein Kaisa Khumaar Hai

There’s some strange intoxication when you’re near me

Teri Kurbat Se Mera Dil Kyun Bekaraar Hai

With you in my nearest proximity why is my heart so restless?

Kyun Yeh Mitt-Ti Nahin Hai Kaisi Yeh Pyaas Hai

What is this feeling of thirst, that just doesn’t end?

Jitna Main Duur Jaaun Utni Hi Tu Paas Hai

That farther I try to go, the closer you seem to me.

Tujhe Keh Doon Ya Rehne Doon Raaz Mere

Should I just tell you or hold my secrets with me?

Sab Kuch Keh Doon Kya Tujhko

Should I just tell you everything?

Tu Mujhko Chhod Jaayegi Ya Aayegi Paas Mere

Will you leave me or will you get closer to me

Issi Baat Ka Darr Hai Mujhko

I am scared for that matter.

Ke Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar Tumse Mujhe

What if love happens to me?

Kar Dega Barbaad Ishq Mujhe

That love, that destroys me

Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar Tumse Mujhe

What if love happens to me

Behadd Beshumaar Tumse

That too, limitless and endless love towards you.

…

Inn Ghamon Ko Khatam Kar Rahe Ho Tum

You seem to be ending my sorrows/voids that I am holding right now

Zakhmon Ka Marham Bann Rahe Ho Tum

You seem to become the aid to all my wounds

Mehsoos Mujhe Aisa Kyun Ho Raha

Why do I keep feeling like this?

Ke Meri Duniya Bann Rahe Ho Tum

That you are going to be my whole world.

Bann Rahe Ho Tum

You are becoming one.

Tere Bin Kya Yeh Dil Ab Dhadak Paayega

Without you, would this heart even be able to beat for itself?

Poochta Hoon Main Yeh Khudko

I keep asking myself, that.

Tere Aane Se Dard Chala Jaayega

As you came in, my sorrows seem to fade away

Issi Baat Ka Darr Hai Mujhko

This is what I am worried about

Ke Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar

What if love happens?

Ke Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar

Ke Ho Naa Jaaye Pyaar Tumse Mujhe

What if love is actually happening to me?

Kar Dega Barbaad Ishq Mujhe

That love, is gonna destroy me.

Why did I have to explicitly translate this song? What was so important about it?

Did you see what just happened there?

A guy who never wanted to fall in love.

A guy who already knows what falling in love costs.

He's been through it before. Life happened.

And somehow... he's falling again.

For a woman he never planned on falling for.

He's petrified.

He can feel it happening, and he doesn't know how to stop it.

He's trying.

But he's helpless.

She seems to be making his life better.

She seems to be healing parts of him he never thought would heal.

So why is he still scared?

Why can't he just enjoy the feeling?

Why does something that feels so right... scare him this much?

Why is he so afraid to just... be himself?

Why is loving someone such a bother for him?

Why We Build Walls

That's him, isn't it — the boy from the start of this. Holding himself so tight it hurt, telling his heart not this, not her, not now.

Can I tell you what I really think is underneath that?

I think people fear these emotions because of what they've gone through in the early stages of their life. That's what made it easy for them to keep boundaries, to stay distant, to be avoidant and detached from all of it.

I'm not the same person who's talking right now. I used to be someone who said: if you have feelings, if you want to feel something, you just have to outright say it to the other person. If they reciprocate, it's a win-win. If they don't, you understand it's not a two-way street, so you skip it and move on with your life.

But even that process comes with a kind of suffering that's hard to put into words.

One-sided efforts. Unnoticed actions. Unspoken feelings. Silence mistaken for peace.

What I’m trying to say is, I can finally understand why people build walls around themselves.

I always thought, if that was the whole point of living, then why even live at all?

Because then you can't feel your emotions completely.

You just can't.

You can't feel anything fully.

But what I came to understand is this: people bury their insecurities and fears under their skin because of what's waiting on the other side of risking them.

Let's say somebody approaches you with love. If that backfires, it's heartbreak. That's why people fear falling in love in the first place.

The same goes for success. People fear failure, so they never even tell you they're trying.

I could give you countless examples, or you could probably think of a few yourself.

That's the whole point.

The Wound That Stays

This is the "decided — not again" part of him. The wound is what made the walls necessary in the first place.

Now, as I sit through this song, all it keeps telling me is how even the tiniest things can bother somebody so deeply that they can't put them into words.

Not some grand betrayal.

Sometimes it's the tone of someone's voice.

Being left on seen.

Someone pairing up with another person when there was a chance they could've paired with you.

Experiences like these, the voices, the looks, the words people use... they stay with you.

They become triggers.

I remember someone calling me "da da da da."

Even now, it pulls me right back to that one conversation.

Can I get over it?

I want my brain to forget it.

Can I delete a memory the same way I delete a WhatsApp chat?

The same goes for certain memories and situations.

You just can't erase them from your brain.

So they stay.

I wish selective amnesia were a real thing.

Forget only what you want to forget.

Delusional talk apart, it's hard to rewire your brain.

It's hard to move past those moments and look at them differently.

But its very possible to to keep doing hard things to become a better version of yourself.

And I think that's the whole point of life.

When Someone New Comes Along

This is the exact moment she walks in. Someone arriving with good intentions.

Let's say there's a person who's affected you in ways you didn't even imagine. You're wounded by it, you suffered, and it took a lot of time to get over it. But after a while, another person comes into your life — this time with good intentions. Even so, you'll internally keep thinking: this could be a potential bad one as well. So you're reserved. Conservative. Orthodox about things.

When that happens, you start being skeptical about good things. And when you're doubtful if this is just to impress or real, it comes across as "do they trust me with my actions at all?" from the giver. The reservedness shows up so evidently.

Now, when trust comes into the picture, it becomes a matter of mind versus heart. The person playing the role of the sufferer is probably thinking with their mind. The person who's entered their life is probably thinking through a selfless attitude — which is more of a heart calling.

Heart vs. Mind

The fight between these two — this is such an interesting question. No matter which question I start with, I always end up trying to find a potential answer that boils down to one thing: the struggle between heart and mind, and how the two of them ever align.

And that's him, right there, caught in the middle of it. His mind telling him to stay away. His heart not listening.

Can you risk the heart again?

Brownie Points BTS

• The attached video is the exact one that motivated me to write this. As I listened to it, the lyrics just... hit me. Rock hard.

• It took me approximately three months to finally publish this blog.

• I rewrote this piece more than twelve times, trying to put into words what I was actually feeling. Every draft made it more harder for me, somehow here we are. YAY!

• I don't expect everyone to understand what I'm trying to say. And that's okay. If even a small part of this felt relatable I won at this, I'm just glad.

• I'm incredibly grateful for my musical background. It allows me to experience art beyond just hearing it. The music, the shayari, the meaning, the story, the singer's voice, everything comes together into an emotion that words alone often can't explain. I am beyond grateful for all these functioning organs in my body.

• I intend to do more pieces like this. Decrypt is a project I genuinely find fascinating, and this is my first experimental piece in that direction.